Tag Archives: stress

Slowly getting there… I think

So far this week has been unexpectantly stressful. When someone with great knowledge of how a particular system works tells you something, you expect that to be the case, and I tend to accept it. It’s been a bit heartbreaking the last few days as they come back to me saying “well actually you cant have what you were told before…. oh and you need to pay this even though we said you didn’t have to before… oh and even if you do you cant have what you are paying for if the situation X changes”.

If it wasn’t for the progress we have been making with the overall project I would have totally lost heart in all of it and backed out completely. Feels like I’m writing in cryptic code here! Hopefully all will be revealed in a weeks time.
The fella has been great and so understanding through it all, but I can tell he is getting stressed too. It’s been a very fast roller-coaster going on a steep (learning) curve. We are so lucky and blessed to have such kind hearted people around us to help!

Over the weekend just gone I made a couple of realisations a long the lines of something I’ve found to be more and more true as time has gone on. I strongly believe that things happen for a reason even if you don’t understand or like how it is currently.

The first realisation I made this weekend was that currently life isn’t anything like how I had in my ‘plan’- but that’s not to say that I wont end up at the same place in life, or that it is a bad thing that events timings haven’t gone to plan.

The second thing I realised was that if the “bad” things that happened around exam time in the spring this year had NOT happened, then there would be very little chance that I would be in the good situation I am in now. I couldn’t foresee that then, and it just reinforces the belief of mine that things do indeed happen for a reason. Almost as if some greater being had a plan that I was not party to, all along.

Funny old world.

I guess it means that there is no bad outcome of a situation if you choose it, because it will only lead you on to something you could not have experienced had you not been through that situation before.

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Exams bring out the worse….

I feel sick, I’m shaking and I feel like giving up… and that’s not the exams that are making me feel this way- which makes it all the worse. Not only do I have to battle with what I find really hard exams, but I’m having to do it alone.
It’s my first full year at uni- last time I only made it just past Christmas. This year I got to the summer term- I’m so proud of that, but I’m finding facing this exam period hell. Last Monday after my first exam I decided I’d had enough of uni- just over 2 weeks away and I was more than ready to come home again, so I did. I’d cocked up at the weekend- my man had gone away to see some new friends, and I ended up getting in a big mess with him. Not good. Not right before my exams…not at any time for that matter, but being exam time made it worse. The pressure on me is so much greater- I’m super stressed and this just added to it.

My housemate hasn’t exactly helped. He has a habit of screaming and swearing at the top of his voice at his computer and his work- anything that remotely annoys him. Every time I jump and get on edge.
Today he even made me late for my exam-I was boiling my pasta 20mins before I had to leave- 10mins to cook, 10 mins to eat. I came back down stairs when I thought it would be ready to find it had been turned to the lowest setting possible- it wasn’t even boiling! The pasta was still hard too! He said that it was wasting energy if I had it on any higher- it would still cook just as quick on a lower setting- well it obviously didnt did it!!!
I couldnt believe this- he said that i was wasting energy cooking my pasta when he’d left the cooker on for over 1/2hr because he’d forgotten it was on, after he’d taken his food off! I had to turn it off for him only 10mins before!!! Anyway… I tried to turn my pasta up, but it didnt really work because we have a rubbish cooker- once you turn it down- you’ve had it, it wont turn up anymore. So I ended up bolting half cooked pasta and then running to my exam.

I digress…
Sometimes all you need to hear when your upset or stressed or worried is “I love you”. Sometimes hearing it from anyone will do, but other times you need to hear it from one person. Well that one person hasn’t said it properly for a week now, when it’s normal to hear it a couple of times a day- that makes you worried. Especially when you’ve messed up with them, your away so cant properly talk to them about it, and your horrendously stressed with being away, so that you turn every molehill into a mountain.
I have half an idea why it hasnt been said. I’ve tried my best to retify that problem, but it hasnt helped not even a bit! I feel like all my efforts (and they have been huge efforts for me even if it hasnt seemed like it to that person) are for nothing. They tell me to stop over thinking- but what can I do when I’m shut up in a room on my own with only text books and notes for company! Revision doesnt distract me! I’m trying- but it really is so difficult when I’m given no reason to believe anything will get any better.

Oh I just want to go home. I want to fix everything, make it better again. I cant do well if I feel like crying every minute, and I have to choke back tears before I say anything to anyone.

Half of me says- just go on regardless. You’ve made it this far, it’s only 7 days, 4 exams till you get to go home again.
The other half says- why bother, the things that are really important to you are falling around your ankles, if you are failing at life- why bother trying to do uni. Go home now.

-big breath and a moment to reflect-

As much as I dont want to, as much as I want to just fall to pieces, I dont think I can risk it. If I do- I really will lose everything I’ve worked for. Worked REALLY hard for. Not just academically.

These exams have brought the worse back out of me. They have made me feel like I did over a year ago, and it hurts SO much. But that’s just why I’m going to have to fight it. I got out of that situation by hard work- all be it with family around me supporting me… I can do it again, this time on my own. I have to. These exams will show the best of me- maybe not academically this time around, but mentally. I will get through this, and when it’s over, and everything is back to rights- I will wonder what all the fuss was about. I can tell it’s not going to be easy though, but I’m going to give it all I’ve got!

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New Year New Start?

A long time since my last post… as always!
It’s now 2010, something I haddent taken to be a big thing until new years eve when I started seeing the things on the TV talking about the last decade, and about the next decade to come. Well, I’m not going to look further than the end of this year for now. I’ve been looking too far into the future and I think that gets you down.
And down is what I had a problem with last year. A big problem, and one that I am determinded to tackle this year.

Today is my last day of being an 18yr old. I like the idea of being an 18yr old, but it’s really hard work! There is so many new things to get use to, from relising that you’ve finished your whole school time education, the responsibilities and ‘rewards’ of being an ‘adult’- voting and drinking, to getting through the first term of university-learning to live away from home. Hopefully being 19 will be easier… I’m getting more used to living away from home and uni life isnt such a shock, this year I might even be able to vote in the general election!
This year I want to actaully enjoy those changes which came as a shock last year; so my new year’s resolution is to be happy. Enjoy life a bit more! I need to relax, not get so stressed about things and work hard so that I can pass into next year of uni. This resolution isnt hard to keep… just hard to get there in the first place atm for me!

Hopefully everyone else will find thier’s easy, and be able to keep them!

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