I feel sick, I’m shaking and I feel like giving up… and that’s not the exams that are making me feel this way- which makes it all the worse. Not only do I have to battle with what I find really hard exams, but I’m having to do it alone.
It’s my first full year at uni- last time I only made it just past Christmas. This year I got to the summer term- I’m so proud of that, but I’m finding facing this exam period hell. Last Monday after my first exam I decided I’d had enough of uni- just over 2 weeks away and I was more than ready to come home again, so I did. I’d cocked up at the weekend- my man had gone away to see some new friends, and I ended up getting in a big mess with him. Not good. Not right before my exams…not at any time for that matter, but being exam time made it worse. The pressure on me is so much greater- I’m super stressed and this just added to it.
My housemate hasn’t exactly helped. He has a habit of screaming and swearing at the top of his voice at his computer and his work- anything that remotely annoys him. Every time I jump and get on edge.
Today he even made me late for my exam-I was boiling my pasta 20mins before I had to leave- 10mins to cook, 10 mins to eat. I came back down stairs when I thought it would be ready to find it had been turned to the lowest setting possible- it wasn’t even boiling! The pasta was still hard too! He said that it was wasting energy if I had it on any higher- it would still cook just as quick on a lower setting- well it obviously didnt did it!!!
I couldnt believe this- he said that i was wasting energy cooking my pasta when he’d left the cooker on for over 1/2hr because he’d forgotten it was on, after he’d taken his food off! I had to turn it off for him only 10mins before!!! Anyway… I tried to turn my pasta up, but it didnt really work because we have a rubbish cooker- once you turn it down- you’ve had it, it wont turn up anymore. So I ended up bolting half cooked pasta and then running to my exam.
Sometimes all you need to hear when your upset or stressed or worried is “I love you”. Sometimes hearing it from anyone will do, but other times you need to hear it from one person. Well that one person hasn’t said it properly for a week now, when it’s normal to hear it a couple of times a day- that makes you worried. Especially when you’ve messed up with them, your away so cant properly talk to them about it, and your horrendously stressed with being away, so that you turn every molehill into a mountain.
I have half an idea why it hasnt been said. I’ve tried my best to retify that problem, but it hasnt helped not even a bit! I feel like all my efforts (and they have been huge efforts for me even if it hasnt seemed like it to that person) are for nothing. They tell me to stop over thinking- but what can I do when I’m shut up in a room on my own with only text books and notes for company! Revision doesnt distract me! I’m trying- but it really is so difficult when I’m given no reason to believe anything will get any better.
Oh I just want to go home. I want to fix everything, make it better again. I cant do well if I feel like crying every minute, and I have to choke back tears before I say anything to anyone.
Half of me says- just go on regardless. You’ve made it this far, it’s only 7 days, 4 exams till you get to go home again.
The other half says- why bother, the things that are really important to you are falling around your ankles, if you are failing at life- why bother trying to do uni. Go home now.
-big breath and a moment to reflect-
As much as I dont want to, as much as I want to just fall to pieces, I dont think I can risk it. If I do- I really will lose everything I’ve worked for. Worked REALLY hard for. Not just academically.
These exams have brought the worse back out of me. They have made me feel like I did over a year ago, and it hurts SO much. But that’s just why I’m going to have to fight it. I got out of that situation by hard work- all be it with family around me supporting me… I can do it again, this time on my own. I have to. These exams will show the best of me- maybe not academically this time around, but mentally. I will get through this, and when it’s over, and everything is back to rights- I will wonder what all the fuss was about. I can tell it’s not going to be easy though, but I’m going to give it all I’ve got!